At the first 3A1Z Family Digital Safety Conversation, a Stanford researcher shared the top answer teens gave when asked what they wish their parents knew about technology. It points to a question worth asking before reaching for the phone.
Dr. Sabine Charles opened the first 3A1Z Family Digital Safety Conversation on September 16 with a question for every parent listening.
“If something online made your child uncomfortable tonight … would they feel safe coming to you?”
It is an easy question to answer quickly. It is harder to answer honestly.
Later in the conversation, one of the panelists shared something that helps explain why some children might hesitate.
What teens asked for first
Sunny Xun Liu, a researcher with the Stanford Social Media Lab, said her team surveyed teens across the United States. They asked what the teens wish their parents knew about technology and how they use it for school.
The number one answer, Liu said, was “don’t take my phone away as the punishment.”
She added that it is also the number one thing parents do.
This is one finding from one survey, shared briefly during a live conversation, and it should be read that way. Still, it is worth sitting with.
Why the phone matters to them
Dr. Charles, who moderated the session, understood the parent’s side. Parents see the phone as the problem, she said, “so they will take the problem away. That’s logical.” She asked whether the research pointed to anything parents could do instead.
Liu said teens gave a clear answer: trust them. They told researchers they use their phones not only for games or social media, but also for homework and school, and for time to relax and wind down after a long day.
That helps explain why losing a phone can feel bigger to a teenager than it looks to an adult. For many young people, the phone is where schoolwork, friends and downtime all meet.
Liu was just as clear that parents’ concerns are real. She said the harms and risks are real, and that many parents are uneasy about how much time children spend on these platforms and unsure what they encounter there. Parents, she said, need clarity and transparency so they can understand their children’s online lives.
Neither side is wrong. Teens want trust. Parents need enough visibility to feel comfortable giving it.
Trust and boundaries are not opposites
Dr. Charles named a tension many parents feel: where to draw the line between monitoring and trust. Monitor too heavily, she said, and children may shut you out.
“Parenting is so messy,” Liu said. There is no box to tick that says “I trust you,” she explained, and no box that says “I monitored, so it’s good.” It is an everyday effort that parents and children work through together.
Dr. Charles described her own approach as “trust but verify.”
The right balance also depends on the child. Liu said children move through different developmental stages, from before age 8 through the mid-teens and beyond. How much independence they should have, and what kind of support parents provide, changes along the way. Dr. Charles added that every child is different, so no single answer fits every family.
In practice, a young child’s first device may need close supervision and firm limits. An older teen may need more room to practice judgment, with a parent still close by.
A question to ask before taking the phone
The panel did not offer a step-by-step script for what to do when something goes wrong online. But the discussion points to one useful habit: pause long enough to understand what happened before choosing a response.
At 3A1Z, we suggest starting with one question. Is this a safety problem, a behavior problem, or both?
A safety problem means something happened to your child. A stranger sent a message. Someone posted something cruel. An image appeared that they did not want to see.
A behavior problem means your child broke a rule the family agreed on. They stayed up past the phone curfew, or used an app that was off limits.
The two call for different responses.
When a child has been hurt, the first job is to help. That may mean blocking or reporting an account, reviewing privacy settings, or finding outside support. If a child brings you a problem and loses their phone for it, they may think twice before coming to you next time.
When a child has broken a rule, a consequence can be fair, and sometimes it may involve the phone. The question is whether the consequence fits what happened. Limiting one app, or keeping the phone out of the bedroom at night, may teach more than losing the whole device for a week.
A few more questions can help in the moment:
- What happened, from my child’s point of view?
- Does my child need help, a consequence, or both?
- Will this response solve the problem, or only end the conversation?
Build the habit before the crisis
When Dr. Charles asked what an overwhelmed parent could do this week, the panelists’ answers pointed the same way: talk.
Liu suggested families spend even five minutes a day asking each other simple questions. How are you doing? Is there anything I can help with? What’s something you saw today? She also encouraged families to share screens instead of fighting over them.
William Willis, executive director of AI Ready RVA, spoke mainly about artificial intelligence. He urged parents to sit down with their children for an honest conversation about what they see and how they want to use it, and to set agreements and guidelines together as a family.
Ramona Taheri, executive director of the Peace Operations Training Institute, said young people are smart and can understand serious reasons for limits when adults explain them. She encouraged parents to offer real-world alternatives: a listening ear, an activity, or help with something offline.
These conversations do not need to be formal. Their value is that when something serious happens, the family is not starting from zero.
Liu said that is part of why she helped develop A Parent’s Guide to Digital Safety, which includes conversation starters for families. Its CALMER framework begins with C, for communication. Liu said the work behind the guide found that a strong relationship between parents and children is the number one protective factor.
Parents are not in this alone
It would be unfair to place all of this on parents. Several panelists stressed that families are overwhelmed.
Liu called for schools, libraries, after-school programs and other trusted adults to share the load, and for products that are safe for children from the start. Taheri said parents cannot win on their own against companies whose products she described as designed to be addictive. She urged families to press for accountability and regulation.
Keep the door open
No one on the panel said parents should never take a phone away. Sometimes it may be the right call.
But it should not be the automatic first response, especially when a child is the one who got hurt.
Go back to the question Dr. Charles asked at the start. If something online made your child uncomfortable tonight, would they feel safe coming to you?
Understanding first, and responding second, is one way to help the answer be yes.
